El Triste 2.0

IT IS.

During my 3rd year IM rotation, I was given feedback (twice!) that I was "kind of intense" and that "it's OK to smile more." Since I'd received no feedback about my ACTUAL skillset/knowlege base, I am assuming that it was beyond reproach. If you recall, this is when I posted "El Triste."

Does anyone give Jeremy Renner shit for being El Triste??

But K-Stew gets hella shit for it.

  My number one thought back then was, "I swear to god, if I was a dude, this NEVER would've come up." My number two thought was, "What do these guys know anyway? Asshats." And on the heels of that, my number three thought was, "Puh. What, am I supposed to be all cotton-candy-sparkle-pony when I go talk to patients about their heart failure?"

Ha.

Meh, I wrote it off.

Then, earlier this month, I got feedback for this most recent rotation. In short, my performance was "stupendous" and I am again assured that "any residency would be lucky to have you." Sweet. For sure, this is awesome. It's always good to hear that.

"But..."

Oh. There's a 'but.' And in rapid sequence I anticipate that he's going to tell me that my case presentations are retarded/patients complained about me/I didn't keep up with reading or surgery/I was hard to work with/fill in the blank with whatever shitty thing you want.

"Now, I just want to tell you this for general career satisfaction, not because of anything that happened at this rotation. I just don't want you to get an ulcer or something when you're 45..." Of course, he's saying this all very nicely so I keep thinking it's going to be terrible.

I continue to run hundreds of possible scenarios through my head in mere seconds, mentally prepared for whatever he's going to hurl at me.

"But it's OK to be...less intense."

Yep, every possible scenario...except that. Did he just say 'be less intense'?

 Jesus, it's like El Triste all over again. I felt blindsided by this. Because even though I'd played it real cool (by complaining on the internet) I hadn't completely written off the previous feedback. I'd been more careful. More cool, man. And despite all the homelessness and cross country travel, since I've been away from my rotations in Oregon this year, I've felt much happier. I really have. So I'd thought all this triste business resolved itself.

NOPE. 

Me: "Oh, man, you're like the 3rd guy to say that! And I can't figure out why people keep saying I'm so intense."
Him: "I hope I didn't ruin your morning," he adds quickly.
Me: "No, no, don't worry about it," I waved it away. We pause a moment. "OK wait," I said, frowning. "So, am I intense when I talk to patients or when I talk to you?"

He nods slowly. "No, you're pretty consistent across the board."

If Grumpy Cat is the Ron Swanson of felines, MAYBE I'm the
Ron Swanson of med students...

 Damn. "OK. Less intense. Good. Can-do.  I promise I will find some kind of book like 'How to be Less Intense' or something and start reading it tonight." He closes his eyes--you know, in that way that says, take a breath, this one's a little thick, or I wish I hadn't started this.

Him: "OK, see, this is a good example of how you might be missing the point..."

Inner monologue: "No."