Blogger has a new interface, such that in an attempt to begin writing this post about laser hair removal, I almost started a whole new blog that would have been entitled "Depilatory Woes." I have a feeling the readership would be wan at best. Or it'd be through the roof, I don't know.
Laser hair removal. It's been something I've always lusted after, but never really thought could be mine. I thought it cost the same as a house. At least, that's what Cosmo would have us believe.
But when I did my OB/GYN rotation, the doctor made a casual comment about laser hair removal one day and it led to a lengthy discussion that she had a real, legit laser in the office. I immediately told my BFFs all about it, who promptly admonished me to learn how to use said laser. So that we could engage in some kind of back-alley laser hair removal, I suppose. Where we would get the laser to do said back alley lasering is anyone's guess. Maybe we'd hit the Albany Staples first for a really high quality laser pointer and a magnifying glass...
Hypothetical discussions about the laser became real discussions as I started to meet ladies who had been treated with this laser, the Candela T-1000 or whatever. I started to hear stories about ladies who hadn't picked up a razor in years. Ladies who hadn't had to have their Borat 'stache plucked, waxed or tweezed ever again. Ladies who could, without any pre-planning whatsoever, take a spur-of-the-moment trip for some bikini time at the hot springs. All I could think is, Ooh, I want that...
Any of these things are unheard of for me. Me of the Dutch ancestry that graced me with swarthy thighs and porcelain-almost-translucent skin and dark hair such that one can see my roots in the follicles on my legs, even 5 minutes after the sweet, sweet kiss of the Gillette Venus.
Because Albany OB/GYN doesn't do laser hair removal as a primary source of income, but rather as an extra service for their patients, the price list was quite intriguing. In fact, because I've been very stingy this year and lived with 2 roommates in a cheap apartment, it was downright affordable.
I committed to having my wayward hairs fried off.
Fast forward to this evening.
Nurse Pam did a quick consult and revealed that while we were at it, we could also zap the giant freckle on my left cheek--an unwanted souvenir from a 2007 trip to Jamaica--and test out how my thighs' varicose veins would respond to a laser. This is too frickin' good to be true, I thought.
Well, I was a *little bit* right.
Pam placed a moistened gauze strip along my upper gums, to "round out the lip and maximize skin contact with the laser." OK. I tried not to imagine myself with a giant chaw in my upper lip while she cooked my mustache off.
Then it began.
I didn't expect it to be painful. I knew from treating patients that the Candela had a built-in nitrogen burst to numb the skin before the laser fired each time. But it felt like I was getting lanced by a glucose tester each time. And somehow, the areas that I least anticipated to be sensitive somehow managed to be the most sensitive. So for about an hour it went more or less like this:
zzt.
"Ow." (surprise!)
zzt.
"Ow." (feel a few little tears forming in my eyes)
zzt.
"OW."(Whoa, that one kinda hurt...)
zzt.
"OW, goddammit!" (JESUS! *pause to rest and apply pressure to the zapped area*)
So the most painful parts were at the mid-line--for reasons that are unknown to me. Somewhere about half way through the treatment, an alarm went off on the Candela telling us that it's time for its union-negotiated smoke-break. So we gave it 5 to cool off a bit (yeah, I'm that hairy that the laser needed a time out!). I needed a break, too. I was sweaty.
When Pam was done with the face she told me, "Tilt your chin up a bit." Which I did, thinking she was going to inspect for stray strands. But instead, she quickly and deftly positioned the laser up my nose and shot. "Aaaack!" I yelled, and immediately got the giggles imagining what this scenario might look like to a stranger who would have the ill luck to walk into this room at this moment: Pam hunched over me with what looks like a small Dust-Buster attached to a garden hose, and me with this stupid gauze chaw in my lip, covered in welts from where the laser just got me.
Ah, beauty...
After she was done with the hair, we attacked the giant freckle and one of the veins on my leg (veins which, I might add, only showed up DURING my stupid general surgery rotation in July. Oh, hey, thanks a lot med school, for makin' me wayyy less sexy. I am hella wearing compression hose from now on). I have not seen the freckle yet, but after two zaps from the Candela, the vein was about 50% less noticeable. Over the course of the next 6 weeks it should disappear all together. We shall see.
Will surely keep you updated as to the progress of my hairs and freckles and veins, as I am positive that these things are in the forefront of your mind at all times, and you eagerly await news.
Fear not. You shall get it.
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