Arthropod Hypocrite!

I am the world's biggest. Crab and spiders come from the same class: arachnidae. I hate spiders. I don't want to talk about spiders. Don't even mention them to me. Daddy Long-legs are the only exception. Those guys are top of the food chain so they keep the ants at bay, and they don't seem to bug me. They stay in their corners and mind their own business. But any other spider needs to get out. Wolf, trapdoor, brown recluse, any widow, in fact, ANY spider that is bigger than a caraway seed needs to get the hell out. Why? Because they're #&@^!*#$ scary and they super creep me out. One time, I thought one had gotten on my shoulder and I went all psycho trying to get it off, destroying everything in my path. Then I figured out it was just a little tangle of fuzz from my shirt. I believe that the only other person who fully understands my position is Allie Brosh, author of Hyperbole and a Half.

Here's where the hypocrisy comes in: I love crab. Dungeness to be specific. Yeah, I've tried the snow crab and the king crab, but they're just not as good. Sorry. The only other crab I've enjoyed as much as Dungeness is the Atlantic Jonah crab.

Contrary to spiders, who have never actually done me any wrong, I will hunt for crab. Oh and I will catch them. I will pick them up--let the record show that I will under no circumstances touch a spider directly, and in the rare event one must effect a move, it is generally in the form of lunging at it and backing off. My goal is to startle them into running away from me. But I digress. Back to the crab. I will boil them alive in seawater and eat them. 8 or 9 of them. And yes, I've been assaulted: one grabbed my finger when I was getting it out of the trap and would not let go despite my shrieking and flinging it every which way. But I will not be deterred from the sweet, sweet manna of the depths.

Senseless, senseless, tasty hypocrisy.

 Got you, crab!